A Series of Thoughts: Growing up

This is very random but it's my current series of thoughts.  Enjoy and be kind.

I am 34...34 and in a couple months I'll be 35 but most the time when I visualize myself I still feel like the scared motherless child, who was fighting to find herself in this world.  Then one day I looked up and here I find myself a married woman and mother of 2 little girls. How did that happen?

It's amazing how time and growing up works.  Internally, I feel like I'm a child raising children but I know that I'm not a child.  Did my parent feel like this when they had 5 girls and a boy to raise?  Did they look around them and think that they were children just like those they were raising?  My mother started having kids in her mid 20s...I didn't have my first daughter until I was 30 and yet I don't feel grow up yet.  Will I ever feel grown up? Now the big question...do I want to feel grown up?

Life has a funny way of just moving forward whether you are ready or not.  Thankfully, God knows what he's doing and what you can do with his help because sometimes I look at what I've been through and what I have accomplished and wonder...how did I make it and what was I thinking?  We often move through life from one event to the next but when you are living your day to day life, it feels like you are just passing the time.  How does all this life happen when you are just passing the time?

My mother passed away 28 year ago today and I miss her every day.  It's strange to think that I have lived on this earth 22 years longer without her than with her.  I know she is with me everyday and I'm reminded of her through my sisters and my daughters.  God knew what he was doing when he gave my parents 5 girls.  He knew what he was doing when he gave me daughters.  He knows what we need more than we do because he sees the bigger picture that we do not.

I often struggle with my longing for my mother.  I'm the person I am today because I lost her when I did.  I had to grow up without her and I gained her influences through the lessons and influences she left in those that knew her.  I know her through pictures and stories that others tell me.  I was the youngest of many and I was spoiled rotten before she passed.  After she passed, people came into my life that changed that.

I often wonder if my sisters and I would be so close if we had not lost her when we did.  Would we need each other as much as we do now?  I can't imagine my life without each of my sisters.  We are all so different yet we are all so similar.  We fight like all siblings but there is something different about how we relate.  It's like there is this magnet that pulls us to each other and you can't see it but it's there.  Is that magnet our mother's spirit?  Will my girls have that magnet too?

My husband and I in the last year have talked several times about moving to live near his family up north.  I want to say I could do it because despite how I see myself, I'm not a child and I would pull on my big girl boots and find a new path but when I think about not living near 4 of my 5 sisters...it makes me crumble.  I just can't imagine not being able to see them all the time.  I know that he is close to his mother and sister that live up north too and I know it's hard for them to live apart but I just don't know if I am ready to spread my wings again.

I grew up with my sisters out of the house.  By the time my mother passed away, the youngest of the older sisters was a senior in high school and soon left the nest.  That left my brother and soon my step-sister and step-brother.  I love them and need them but it's different...that magnet isn't there.  When I left home to go to college, the first 2 years I spent in Tampa and spent almost every weekend with my sisters and their families in St. Pete. Then I needed to find myself...so I went off to college in San Fransisco.  I knew nobody and I wasn't were I didn't want to be.  It was 4 and a half years of incredible growth personally.  Then I just missed having family around so much I made my way back here.  It's sort of a long story so we'll just say it took about 9 months for me to finally make my way back to living by my sisters here.

Since then I have been happy living near them.  My pups found me, my husband found me, and we had 2 amazing little girls.  Through it all, my sisters were my rock.  They were my constant.  I know wherever I go they will always be my rock but it's not the same when they are a walk or very short car ride away.  They have helped me in so many ways become the mother I am and are constantly helping me be the person I am whether they know it or not.

I know this has been random but to sum it up.  I feel like a child.  I miss my mother.  My sisters are my rock and I will keep trusting God knows what he's doing and his big plan for us is bigger than I can ever dream of.

Hope you enjoyed this series of thoughts.

Do you feel "grown" up?

A series of thoughts: It's all starting to get real!

Life is about to get really interesting for the next couple months!  As I have been hinting, I have a big, well for us anyway, announcement! 

We are moving!

We are moving a grand total of 3 blocks from where we live now! 

We will be moving out of the rental house we have lived in for 3 and a half years.  The house that we moved into the week after our wedding and the one we brought Carmen home to.   I am sad to be leaving this house with so many memories of such a huge time in our lives; but I am oh so happy to be leaving what I like to refer to as the land of yellow!  (our landlord wouldn't let us paint and every surface it seems in the house is painted a light shade of yellow)  This has been a good house but it is time to move on!

My sister Fleas found out a couple weeks ago that the house across from her was going to be sold.  We were hesitant at first but once we went inside, we decided it was a great house for us.  It has a ton of potential and it's in a great neighborhood...the one we are already live in!  I never thought my husband would consider living so close to my sister.  To be honest, I never thought he would move into their neighborhood and we did that 3 and a half years go.  I think we both think this house is worth it though. 

Since we had not been planning to even start looking to buy a house until closer to the end of the year, we aren't really ready.  The seller has been great and worked out a deal where we can rent for 6 months and then buy!  Papers have all been negotiated over and signed and our closing date is set for the end of Feb!  We still have to get through things like appraisals, which blew up our last house deal over 2 years ago, but we have faith this one will work out for the best no matter what happens.  As I have been focusing a lot on lately, God has a bigger and better plan that we could ever dream.  We just have to have faith in his plan and his timing.

Our moving date hasn't quite been set yet because they are sanding and refinishing the hardwood floors before we move in.  The goal is to be moving the last weekend in Aug and starting to get settled in over Labor Day weekend.  There are a lot of things that are going to be happening before and after we close on this house.  There are things that need to be renovated and painted and oh so much to do.  I can't wait to own a place that we can really make our home.  If we want to paint, then we can paint.  If we don't like the way something is, we can change it.  Such a novel idea for long time renters.

Cannot wait to have actual grass...green grass in the backyard!  No more sandpit for a backyard for our pups to drag into the house! They might still drag in dirt and such but nothing can be as bad as what this sandpit does for them.

I know that 3 and a half years is really a blink of an eye but the thought of packing up 3 and half years of living in this house makes my palms sweat!  I have begun the purging that I know is needed.  With my new goal of living in a house where everything has a place and a purpose, a lot of things I have held on to for so long are finding it's way into the garage sale/donation/trash piles.   My book stash took a serious hit last night and I think I've finally convinced myself that my animation books need to go too!  So going to make some more decisions which are going to be hard tonight about that.  I am going to keep ALL my knitting books and mags and maybe one or two of my absolute favorite animation books.  I won't be getting rid of any of my (now Carmen's) children's book collection.  I can't wait to read Harry Potter with her!

I will try to take pictures of the purging and packing and moving process but can't promise anything.  I have a feel life is going to be SUPER busy for the month of August but I'm so excited about it all!  I hope to be able to post as much as I have been but please forgive me if I miss a couple extra days here and there this month.  I promise I'll be back as always!

Thanks for reading!

Happy Moving for the Barknknit family!!

Please share any of your moving tips and tricks with me! 

A Series of thoughts: Motherhood, breastfeeding, love and comfort...

Recently, I went back through some old posts on this blog and came across one that was posted on June 29th, 2011 called Baby Coma...and the birth of Mama Barknknit.  This was one of those posts that didn't end up as I intended, but I am proud of it either way because of what I had been going through the first 6 months of Carmen's life.  Growing up imagining what I would be like as a mother is so completely different than actually being a mom.  You can think that I'll be like this and do this, but until you actually have a baby, you really can't be certain how you will feel during the moments that come or what you will do to protect that little cub of yours.  Mama Barknknit has come a long way in a year since that post, but essentially I still feel like a Mama Bear loving and protecting her precious cub.

Before I had Carmen, I knew I wanted to try to breastfeed but I didn't do a lot of research on breastfeeding, itself.  In a way, I'm glad I didn't; and in another, I wish I had.  I had a ton of questions those early weeks and I'm so thankful for my sisters and friends who were there to answer all of them and provide me with the support that I needed.  I'm not sure I could have done it without them.

Breastfeeding is confusing, frustrating, and just hard work.  You can't just hand your baby over to someone and say here I'm going to sleep for a couple hours.  You are on call 24/7, especially in those first few weeks where you are building your supply up. You can't just pick up and go anywhere without your baby.  You can't just sleep whenever you want or nap for longer than the baby naps.  It took me 24 days to get more than 45 mins of straight sleep.  That first 5-hour stretch on Christmas Eve was the best sleep of my life!  I felt human again afterwards.

It took me a little bit to get my head around the fact that she was tied to me in more ways than one.  Not only was I her main source of food, but I loved this baby more than anything and I just wanted to soak her up.  I realized that I had to always think of her and put her needs first.  I knew this before I had her, but actually living it is different.  If I wanted to go somewhere or do something, I had to think of how Carmen would fit into this plan.  I am ever thankful I didn't have to remember a bottle, as my boobs were always with us!  Her needs were and are bigger than my wants, even if that meant missing out on some of the fun.  We were never much for going out to begin with, but after having Carmen I realized that just going home was often the best thing for her.  I have left parties early, stayed inside while she napped so I could hear her, and I remember often in those early days simply holding her during naps because she slept best that way.  I could have been doing things I wanted to do, but her sleep was more important.  Also staring into the face of a sleeping baby in your arms is a wonderful thing.

Breastfeeding, for whatever reason, is one of those taboo subjects that you have to be careful what you say and who you say it in front of.   In my opinion, I think "breast is best",  but I know so many who aren't or weren't able to breastfeed for one reason or another.  Those that pump exclusively are amazing in my book, as pumping is seriously so much harder than breastfeeding.  It's uncomfortable, unnatural, and icky!  No one chooses to pump exclusively because they want to.  When you are breastfeeding, you get to hold this smooshy cute little human and look into their milk-drunk face and know that you are providing them with the best sustenance a mother can offer, unless of course, it is unavailable for different reasons.  Your body is literally performing miracles to keep the child nourished that has been feeding from your body since conception. But when you're pumping, everything is very mechanical. From the artificial suction on your nipples, to the monotone humming of the pumping machine, the intimacy feels somewhat lost. But whether your breastfeeding or pumping, the naturalistic feeling of providing your baby with your milk, just feels right.

I will admit, in someways I envy those who choose to formula feed their babies.  They get the opportunity to step away and get uninterrupted sleep.  They can let their baby truly be cared for by someone else, if need be.  You can't do that as a breastfeeding mother.  You are their source of food.  You are their source of comfort.  And in many ways, they are there to comfort you.  Personally,  I wouldn't have it any other way.

When we hit the year mark of breastfeeding and I finally let Miss Carmen wean herself, it was a bittersweet moment.  First, to know that my body was able to produce exactly what she needed for the first year of her life and give her the best start I could, makes me so proud.  It helped me see my body differently as I talked about in this post.  I no longer see my body so much aesthetically, but more for what it can do mechanically.  But finally getting to eat milk, eggs, and peanuts (or in my case cookies, cakes, candy bars, and milkshakes that I had so truly missed) was definitely a welcome notion. Secondly, I knew that she no longer needed me in a way I loved to be needed.  I loved to know that I was the only one who could nurse her and that we both enjoyed that time together, but I was happy to put my pump away and not have to go into the closet twice a day at work and make sure I stored my milk properly.  (That was a real pain in the tush!)  Go back to what I said about pumping; it's uncomfortable, unnatural, and icky!

When we stopped nursing and our relationship began to change, I was pleased because her need for me didn't stop, but just changed a little.  I'm still her preferred comfort and she always lets me know how much she wants and needs me.   At 18 months old, she is a very active, very independent, very loving, and a very friendly little toddler and I just feel so blessed that God has entrusted Special K and I with her quirky little soul.  There hasn't been a day in over 18 months that I have not kissed her, held her in my arms, and told her how much I love her.  I can't wait for the day she starts to say I love you back.

Watching how she cares for her dollies, makes me realize how much she is loved.  She kisses, cuddles, and even sings to them, including her rubber duckies!  She showed me this, a week or so ago, during bath-time by picking each of them up, placing it back into the water, and then moving on to the next one.  That just melted my heart that she had so much love for them to do that.  Once she was done, she waved goodnight to the tub full of toys and we were off to change, read books, and slowly rock into a peaceful night of dream-filled sleep.

She amazes me every day and I'm just so glad to be her Mama!

Happy Day!

As a parent of a human (or a furbaby), are there things you do or ways you think differently now that you didn't plan or think you would before?


This blog post has been edited by Special K.

A Series of Thoughts: Ravelypmics a threat to the Olympics??

For those of you muggles out there, Ravelympics is an event that coincides with the Olympics that is held withing the forums on Ravelry.com, an online community of over 2 million knitters, crocheters, and spinners.  It's a silly event that encourages people to knit/spin/crochet while watching the Olympics.  I've participated the last couple times and it's fun.  It gives me a goal and a time frame to complete projects and I feel I actually watch the Olympics more because of it.

My last Ravelympics project ready for cast on!

Yesterday, Ravelympics blew up on twitter and the knitting blogsphere because the US Olympic Committee sent an email to Casey and Jess the creators, which was quite disturbing.  While they asked them to change the name of the event, which I'm all for since they have the rights to the Olympic name...their following comment struck a nerve.

We believe using the name "Ravelympics" for a competition that involves an afghan marathon, scarf hockey and sweater triathlon, among others, tends to denigrate the true nature of the Olympic Games. In a sense, it is disrespectful to our country's finest athletes and fails to recognize or appreciate their hard work.

What are they trying to say?  That crafters around the world watching the games and knitting/spinning/crocheting along is disrespectful to the athletes?  Really? When I first heard about the letter, I was sort of just taken aback but wasn't surprised that the letter was sent...then I started reading about the letter on blogs and comments on twitter, so I had to go actually read the full thing, which was posted by Casey within ravelry forums(rav link).  You can also read full letter on the gawker site here.  Once I read this part, I was disturbed.  Not all 2 million people on Ravelry participate but a large chunk of them do.  Currently, in the Ravelympics 2012 group on Ravelry.com there are 7562 members and I'm sure with the press it's getting that number will increase.  Why wouldn't you want to encourage almost 8 thousand people to all watch the opening ceremonies and the games?  I used to not worry about the opening ceremonies until I started participating in the ravelympics.  You can't cast on your project until the ceremonies start so I watched and cast on with thousands of others!

This morning I read a post by Kay on the Mason & Dixon blog and I immediately felt I needed to join her call!  She tweeted Stephen Colbert that if he did a piece on the "Knitters who are destroying the Olympics" that he would then receive a lifetime supply of hand knit socks!  I love her call to action and I'm all for knitting him a pair of socks if he does the piece!  As I've said before and will say again, you just don't mess with knitters because they are really taking over the world and are armed with pointy sticks! 

There have also been calls of action to boycott all Olympic sponsors.  While I don't know if I'll go that far, I am thinking this wasn't a good way to handle the issue by the lawyers for the Olympic Committee.  I hope that no one goes so far as to bother the actual US team about it as this isn't coming from them but let's get this out there because you can't say knitters are trying to destroy the Olympics and get away with it!

Happy Knitting!

EDITED: They issued an apology but this is seriously not a real response.  It says it was a standard letter...umm...just see comment above...that isn't standard! 

And ANOTHER apology this time on their Facebook wall!  They are getting closer...

What do you think of all this?  Are you bothered by their comment?  What do you plan to do to take action?

A Series of Thoughts: Allergies...

It's been a little bit since I wrote about little miss CGR.  I know I have tossed out little things here and there but what's up with my little girl!   Let's see...where do I begin?  My little girl is a skinny minny!  She just had her 18 month apt yesterday and she is finally over the 20 lb mark by 1 oz.  I've never been worried about her weight but she has always been really low on the weight percentages, not that I think those really matter, but as a mom you get asked a lot what percentage is she.  I think as long as she looks healthy and not missing any milestones then she is great! 

 When we found out she was allergic to milk, my doctor was concerned about her getting enough fat in her diet because fat helps with brain development.  Hence for a while, every time we saw her she recommended giving her more fries and fatty foods.  I never thought that was the answer.  While we do give her fries if we are having them, we increase her fats in other ways such as by sauteing in olive oil more often and giving her more good fats.  I restrict her sugars as much as possible since that is not a way to increase fats in her food as that is just sugar not fat.   She did get a special treat of a lollipop after her shots yesterday!

 She's a healthy eater over all.  We had some issues right after she had the stomach flu a couple months ago.  Not only did she drop off the weight chart, which concerned us all, but she stopped eating meats after she felt better enough to eat.  She has just started eating meats again.   When she is hungry she eats a ton but sometimes she just eats a little.  She loves rice and pasta and would eat it for every meal if we let her.   Since she's allergic to milk, she drinks soy milk and we have found some soy yogurts and vegan butters that she enjoys. We even found a good cream cheese that she will eat sometimes.  Thankfully, we breastfed until she was a year so we didn't have to experiment with which expensive formula we'd have to give her.  If you want to read about the changes I had to make to my diet to continue breastfeeding after we found out about her allergies you can read this post.

Feeding her has sometimes been a challenge when out and about in new places, but I always bring backups in my diaper bag just in case and online allergy menus are awesome.  A big challenge is making it clear when we are around new people that they really can't offer anything unless they ask us first.  We always have to check ingredients because even things that you wouldn't think would have milk in them...do!  For example, Special K had bought some salt and pepper chips and she wanted some so he gave her a couple...well...shortly after she started getting hives because it had milk in it.  You wouldn't think salt and pepper chips would have milk but you always have to check because they sneak milk into so many things!

At her appointment before this one, we tested her baked egg allergy.  I baked a cake with eggs in it but no milk.  It had to be backed for at least 30 minutes and she didn't have any reaction to it!  YAY!  That opened up things she could eat.  She's now able to eat cakes and breads that have been baked for 30 minutes with eggs in them.  We haven't given her too much in this category but now we can give zucchini breads, banana breads, and cakes.  There are only a few boxed cake that doesn't already have milk in it so we have to be careful but now birthday's are a little easier.  I still bring a little piece or a vegan cupcake for her when going to a birthday party so she can have her own while others eat cake too. 

The doctors, both her allergy and pediatrician, have decided we are done with food challenge testing.  Where we give her the foods she might have reaction to and see if she reacts.  We did milk at a year and then the baked egg.  The baked egg was a go but the milk was definitely not.  She reacted to it within 5 minutes and had to give her benadryl, which is our lifesaver!  From here the plan is to wait until after she is 2 and do a full allergy screening with the allergy doctor.  He pretty much told me since she is my daughter that he's sure she's going to have lots of allergies and that he wants her to go through 2 allergy seasons before we do a test.  At that time, we'll test both foods and environmental allergies.  We already know she's allergic to dogs too so that is a bummer.  

 The dog allergy has been tough.  She LOVES her puppies like her momma does. (picture above of her with my friends dog...since I used all the best pics last post of her and the pups)  So, she wants to go cuddle with them but if she gets licked or if she cuddles too much poor thing will be a little uncomfortable for a bit.  Her reactions aren't severe but she has eczema because of her allergy to them.  We use Aquaphor and hydro-cordozone cream to battle the eczema she has and it has helped a ton!  We also use Cetaphil body wash or sensitive skin Dove soap.  Since we switched to these, her skin has gotten a ton better.  We also give her Claritin every morning to help with her allergies as I know she is like me and is probably allergic to the pollen that is ever present in this area the last couple months.

It sucks to know that I passed down my allergies to her, but considering that almost all my sisters and their kids all go to the same allergy doctor...it's not a surprise.  She is the only one who has the food allergies and with her allergy lingering longer she may not grow out of those allergies for a long time.  We've managed them pretty well so far and I think we'll do fine.  Will be harder once she goes on to pre-school because I know peanut butter is prevalent in kids diets and peanuts is something we haven't ever considered testing as that is a bad allergy.  But we'll tackle that when we get there.

I started this post thinking I'd talk about her talking more and silliness but I guess we'll start with all her allergies and then next post about her I'll go into more fun stuff. :)  Stay tuned for that to come.

Happy Eating!!

Do you have any food allergies?  Kids with food allergies?  How do you manage them?

A Series of Thoughts: blogging...

Every once in a while I got back through old posts on this blog, especially when I'm trying to figure out where I want it to go.  I've been writing this blog since April 2nd, 2007...that's over 5 years!  It's interesting to go back and to catch glimpses of my thoughts and life that I have shared with my blog readers.  I know that I've had more readers and less readers than I do now but over time they, as I, have changed and so has this blog.

It started out as just somewhere to write my thoughts and I knew very few read it so I shared a lot more of myself then I do now.  For example, if you go back to this and this post you will notice I shared a lot of details about my early relationship with Special K with my blog readers.  I read these posts and I realize how I was so insecure in our early relationship and thankfully he is who he is and loved me the same.  It also pointed out to me how little I share now.  I think it's interesting people say I put myself out there more than most and when I was blogging more and podcasting I think I really did.  It didn't bother me as much as my family but I understood some of their concerns.  Now, with Facebook, I share more on there with my friends and family than I do with my blog, and my podcast has all but died.  I keep saying it's on hiatus but I just am having a hard time getting back to it.  That's another story all together.

The trouble with blogging for me is, what do I re-share on here that I already shared on Facebook.  I think I need to find a balance as I know I have a lot more Facebook friends than I do blog readers at the moment.  I also know more of my family read and check out my Facebook wall than this blog.  Now, do I want all my family reading my blog? I don't know. :)  I would like to revive this blog because I love going back and reading my old posts and if I don't post then I'm losing out on being able to do that later. 

This blog has also gone through huge transitions as has my life.  In 5 years, it has gone from a online journal to a knitting/spinning blog to now an update here and there on life or crafting.  And in those 5 years, I went from being a girlfriend to fiance to wife to mother and became a knitter/spinner/blogger/podcaster.  I am all of these things and I want my blog to reflect that.  I would like to share my thoughts on motherhood, being a wife, knitting, spinning, being a doggie mommy, and more.  I'm sure many of you are thinking then just share what you want and that is kind of what this post is trying to say.  Just trying to remind myself in a way that this is my space!  I need to share whatever I feel like sharing that day.

There was a time, I used to have themed days on this blog.  Do any of you remember Wedding Wednesdays?  I absolutely love going back and reading those!  I tried to transition that to Marriage Wednesdays but that sort of faded as I'm pretty sure Special K wanted me to share less about our relationship with my readers. :)  I'd like to share some of it though as I love my relationship with Special K.  It's by no means perfect but it's a perfect relationship for us.  Same goes for our parenting.  We are not perfect parents but we do the best we can and love CGR with all our hearts.  I want to share that with you.

Essentially, I'm just putting this out there for you readers who have stuck with me through thick and thin.  I just want to let you know that I'm making you a promise to try to share more of what this blog started out as being.  To share me with you...hopefully we'll get some thick times in.

Happy Blogging!

A Series of Thoughts: Body Image...

Oh so much has been going on in my brain...I can't exactly figure out where to start but I have several posts that I have been wanting to write lately but haven't figured out exactly what I want to say yet.  I think I'm going to start by which one inspires me most when I have time to write.  I've been working on this post for about three weeks and I think I'm just going to post what I have.

Many of you might not be aware but I have lost a pretty substantial amount of weight since I went on what I like to refer to as the Carmen diet.  It's a diet I would have never done for myself but because of Carmen's allergy needs I gave up everything milk, eggs, and peanuts for over 5 months.  I will freely admit that the first week I cried almost every night...I just didn't know what I could eat.  The problem was we had not up until that point been buying groceries with these allergies in mind so when I would go to grab something to eat most of what we had was on the list of food to avoid.

It took several weeks before I was able to find substitutes for some of my favorite foods so I didn't feel like I was giving everything up.  I didn't try very hard to find sweet substitutes but things like mayo, yogurt, peanut butter had to be replaced with something. I spent several years of my life drinking only soy milk so that was not a big change for me.  I now look back and realize that it was a blessing that I had done the switch earlier because if I had to while giving up everything else soy milk would be hated and not loved like it is now.

Through these months of giving up these foods and being a royal pain in the butt when it came to eating with others, I learned a lot about myself.  First I realized that I could sit in front of a chocolate cake and not feel like I HAD to eat a piece.  Yes, I wanted some but I was able to say no and be fine.  I knew that I was saying no for Carmen and that made the no so much easier.  And that brings me to the second thing, that giving things up for my daughter is SO much easier than giving them up for myself.  When I knew it was for her, I just felt like it was something I had to do and not something I was choosing to do.  I know many people just said why don't you just wean and do formula but that just wasn't an option for me in my head.  I'll go into that more in another post I have planned but my goal was to nurse her for a year and then let her wean and that is what I was able to do.

The third thing and what I originally started this post to write about was I learned I really didn't know how to respond to the comments people made about how great I looked because of the weight loss.  I have never in my life been what you would call thin.  I have gone through periods of my life where I felt I could lose weight and I know there were several times I wish I was thin but once I got past my mid-twenties I stopped wanting to be thin.   I want to be fit and healthy but not thin.  Getting pregnant I was not upset with the weight gain, my body was creating life!  I was proud of my body for creating such a beautiful little girl and being able to carry a baby to term and even though I ended up getting an epidural, I was able to labor without it for over 12 hours. I was proud that I was able to provide my daughter milk for a year...my body is amazing!  I love my body not for what it looks like but for what it has done and what it has created and where it takes me.

When people started commenting, I had to refrain from telling them what I felt but have stuck to thank you and to say that I can't eat anything.  What I want to say is that I wasn't unhappy with my body before the weight loss.  I wasn't unhappy with myself or unhappy with the way I looked.  I am a mom and I had gain those pounds with pride.  I knew they would come off when they were ready but I wasn't going to starve myself or workout incessantly or sacrifice the time with my daughter to lose them.

I know people may not understand where I'm coming from but I don't want my personal value to be based on how I look, I don't want to teach my daughter that looks are everything.  I want her to love herself for her.  I do plan to teach her how to be an active child and play sports and be healthy and fit but if that means she's not what society considers to be thin or beautiful then so be it!  I will always think she's beautiful as I will always think I'm beautiful no matter what weight I am.

A friend posted a link to a video today that describes what is going on in society today and it really pushed me to post this finally.  I was thinking of posting pictures of the weight change but I really don't think that's what this post is about...what I look like now.  It doesn't matter what I look like now.  I'm sure you can see pictures of my thinner self on this blog but this post will only have this video.

Happy Loving yourself!